i havent updated in a while. i just havent had the time/desire to i guess. some things have happened i guess, i met a guy. hes amazing. end of story. im not gonna go into it, because i think being public, atleast outside your close group of friends, defeats the purpose of a crush, they should be secret. ive done that way too many times, so this time...its going to be different. it has to be. hes too special to just let go.
so ive been hanging out with kiddos from work alot lately. i love it. there all so much fun to hang with, a nice change from scituate everyday of my life. they live in hull, so last week i spent the night at amys house. i love her, shes a blasttt. we hung out with a buuunch of kiddos, and it was just a good time. oh and her possum is pretty sweet too.
i dont have work tommorow. what a shockerr, ive been working alot this summer, itll be weird when school starts and i only go in 3 days a week. im not dreading school, im kind of looking forward to it. the summer was good while it lasted, but it was also kind of dissapointing. idk, i had fun, but it wasnt anything special. there was alot of good times, good friends, good memories, but all good things must come to an end.
why do you make me feel this way? your suppose to be my best friend, but you make me feel like complete shit. ive let it go too many times, and now idk what to do anymore. stop, and go back to how you used to be, the person who i called my best friend, not this stuck up, superficial, flat out mean person.
i feel really empty. i want a boyfriend. THERE I SAID IT. goddamnit. someone shoot me. i am EXACTLY like the girls that annoy me. the ones who are always looking for that certain guy and when they find them they dont stop talking about them, get their hopes up, and is back to square one. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't i just be like all the other people i see, happy with the person their with, always together and all lovey dovey, the ones everyone like me envies. i like a few guys, but its not like im brave enough to go after it. i have NO self confidence at all these days, i used to think i was okay looking, maybe decent, but now i feel like i look like complete shit everyday of my life, and people notice. i feel horrible, and i just want to have confidence back. i want to be happier. i want to be, loved. and i know i have my friends, but theres friend love and real love. and thats the one thing i want right now. WHY CANT I FIND HIM?!?!?!?
today was awesome. it just was fun in everyway. summer is here, its warm and sunny, and its just awesome. well first cbeale picked me up and lindsay lo was in the car. we saw phillllll, and then we went to go get tickets for brand new. they were sold out:[, but i got my reel big fish/streetlight ticket. im pretty pumped. then we went to BK, had a nice little chat. after our BK visit, it was off to lindsays house. i tried to find her pregnant key keyyyy, but she was no where in siiight. so then we went upstairs and watched dazed and confused. best movie ever. mitch likes to grab his area between the eyes alllottt, so we basically did that all day. then we went to chill with guerric, shane, tony, and nick in the neighborhood. it was a goooooood time, man. "look shes in her most comfortable position, her knees." ahhh. so then we went to shanes porch and sat and chatted for everrrrrrrr. we got papa ginos and basically talked about random shit. POPSICLE ANYONE?! aight well im tired and wanna go to bed. peace in the middle east.
it is officially summer. im not gonna lie, i was scared for it to start. if you were part of the group last year, you might know what im talking about. last summer was unbelievable. everyone was always there for eachother, we had more fun than anyone could ever have, and then it just ended. there was no real legit reason why the group "split". it was so many things that played into it, break ups, new people, changes, the summer ending. it was a sad time, but none of us would be the people we are today if it wasnt for that summer. it also showed me who my true friends are. i love them so much, theyre incredible. sure, sometimes were mean, loud, and just obnoixious, but we have the one thing that a group of friends needs, love. we are ALWAYS there for eachother no matter what. it may seem like every one says that, "omg i luv u im always here"..but my friends mean it. we dont care about stupid shit like getting drunk, we dont need anything else but ourselves to have the best times. i can truly be myself around them, and that kinda takes alot.
so yesterday made me feel like it was truly summer. basically everyone and their mother showed up at my house randomly, and it made me happy. we walked down to the beach and just acted goofy, but i am going to kill nick as of now because he likes to splash perfectly dry people. we all went to my house and swam, and it made me feel so happy that summer was here. i was really worried for a while that the summer would just...eek by, but now i think itll be juuuust fine.
its weird that the school year is pretty much dunzo. this year basically sucked school wise, but watever ill just bust my ass next year. i figured out who my true friends are. i still feel horrible i left them pretty much for like a year, but it pretty much made me realize i cant live without them. theyre always there for me, and theyre always there to make sure im not being completly retarted. i love them. so so so so so so soooo much. LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND! hahaaaa. im kind of nervous for this summer, but im so excited at the same time. it feels like everything will be compared to last summer, which was incredible. we were all one big family; no fights, no drama, just love and my pool:]. but this year, im kind of scared that people will drift like they already have, and we'll barely see them this summer. i still cant waitttttt.
is it weird that i fucking love ashlee simpson?!?!
today was auds birthday. it was so much fun. boston with auds and sarah is always a good timeee. i got to see steph who i missed dearly as well. good times yo. i got make up and a new book called "doing it". its incredible.
im starting to think im done with weed. i have alot left from what i bought a few days ago, but i have absolutly no desire to smoke it. i guess im over that whole scene. back in the day it was all i thought about, i hated being sober. then it decreased, and now, being sober is what i prefer. anyone has a problem with that can choke and die. :] im proud of myself for getting over it, and i know my real friends will be too. idk if im done for good, but im sure as hell gonna try.
I HATE SOME PEOPLEEEEE LATLEY. they aggrivate me. i wont even get into it.
yesterday was mucho fun. i went to newport with auds. i was happy we got to hang out because shes so busy now a days, so it was good to have the day with her. we went shopping and out to eat. i didnt buy anything, nothing was really catching my eye. then we met up with kenny and sarah back in scituate. it was a fun time. kenny almost threw up from laughing. we were on crack basically.
drama= annoying. it doesnt even involve me and im still pissed by the situation. im completely on one side of the whole thing. she was only keeping a promise, and i admire her for that. i know its hard for the other person, but to put all the blame on one person is flat out wrong and childish. im not saying get over it, im saying grow up. this is all pointless, and if you keep dragging it on, your gonna lose friends, more than you already have.
but it made me realize... everyones loves/likes someone, except for me. i cant find anyone these days. all the boys i know or meet are just...not enough or dont want/need me. does this mean im going to be alone forever? it doesnt seem fair. all i want is someone to love. thats all, no questions asked. i dont care if that sounds cheesy as hell...its the truth.
thank GOD this week is over. it wasnt enjoyable. i miss my friends in florida so much. im so sad there gone til MONDAYYY:[ and i cant even see them til tuesday :[ :'[. i just want them to come back nowww. im so afraid that there gonna come back all bonded and junk and be like peaceee rachel. o gaaaawd, it may seem like im overreacting, but thats just how my mind worksssss. not crazy, but not sane, yanno? the only enjoyable parts of the week have been things involving kenny. i went to his house for cake and ice cream with his family and cassandra. hes sad because his mom is away for work, i felt so bad!!so i did my best to cheer him up cause seeing my kenny down in the dumps isnt cool.last night night was very fun, but now i owe cassandra moneyyy.its only fair. im starting to work within a few weeks!!! im so excited to actually have money that i earn instead of bumming it off my mom and friends. i DONT like it, it kills me honestly, and wen people bring it up it doesnt make me feel too great. being in debt to someone sucks balllllls. well tonight i have a date with my couch and "walk the line". i only got to see like 30 minutes of it in thearters because everyone i was with wanted to peace. this weeekend should be good. im spending it with ms.molly lou and kenny, so it should b a good time:]
i did nothing today, but thats okay. i had alot of homework to do so it was nice to get it out of the way before tommorow. i did some 5 paragraph essay and then 485095468 flashcards for english. i realllly should start my 8 page history paper thats due hmmm..tuesday? i need to stop procrastinatinggggg. i watched saw 2 2day. it wasnt the first time ive seen it, so it wasnt as interesting as i remembered. movies arent always the best the 5th time aroundddd.
i got a call from stop and shop today. i have a job interview this tuesday at 3. im really exctied to have a job. i never have money so itll be a nice change to not mooch money off people. and working with kenny and diana is a little added bonus.:]!
i dont think i could be more excited for tommorowwww. me diana and lindsay are meeting cassandra and kenny(?) at the T and chillin in boston til big d. the shows going to be amazingggggg. big d, mustard plug, catch 22, the flatliners...YEYEEEEEE!!! i cannot waittttttttt. the halloween show was amazingggg, so this one will not dissapoint.:]
o..and judgemental people suck. random but it needed to be said.