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i need the smell of summer;; i need its noises in my ear

8/24/06 11:21 pm - sooo

i havent updated in a while. i just havent had the time/desire to i guess. some things have happened i guess, i met a guy. hes amazing. end of story. im not gonna go into it, because i think being public, atleast outside your close group of friends, defeats the purpose of a crush, they should be secret. ive done that way too many times, so this time...its going to be different. it has to be. hes too special to just let go.

so ive been hanging out with kiddos from work alot lately. i love it. there all so much fun to hang with, a nice change from scituate everyday of my life. they live in hull, so last week i spent the night at amys house. i love her, shes a blasttt. we hung out with a buuunch of kiddos, and it was just a good time. oh and her possum is pretty sweet too.

i dont have work tommorow. what a shockerr, ive been working alot this summer, itll be weird when school starts and i only go in 3 days a week. im not dreading school, im kind of looking forward to it. the summer was good while it lasted, but it was also kind of dissapointing. idk, i had fun, but it wasnt anything special. there was alot of good times, good friends, good memories, but all good things must come to an end.

why do you make me feel this way? your suppose to be my best friend, but you make me feel like complete shit. ive let it go too many times, and now idk what to do anymore. stop, and go back to how you used to be, the person who i called my best friend, not this stuck up, superficial, flat out mean person.

7/4/06 11:43 pm

i feel really empty. i want a boyfriend. THERE I SAID IT. goddamnit. someone shoot me. i am EXACTLY like the girls that annoy me. the ones who are always looking for that certain guy and when they find them they dont stop talking about them, get their hopes up, and is back to square one. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't i just be like all the other people i see, happy with the person their with, always together and all lovey dovey, the ones everyone like me envies. i like a few guys, but its not like im brave enough to go after it. i have NO self confidence at all these days, i used to think i was okay looking, maybe decent, but now i feel like i look like complete shit everyday of my life, and people notice. i feel horrible, and i just want to have confidence back. i want to be happier. i want to be, loved. and i know i have my friends, but theres friend love and real love. and thats the one thing i want right now. WHY CANT I FIND HIM?!?!?!?

6/30/06 11:51 pm

today was awesome. it just was fun in everyway. summer is here, its warm and sunny, and its just awesome. well first cbeale picked me up and lindsay lo was in the car. we saw phillllll, and then we went to go get tickets for brand new. they were sold out:[, but i got my reel big fish/streetlight ticket. im pretty pumped. then we went to BK, had a nice little chat. after our BK visit, it was off to lindsays house. i tried to find her pregnant key keyyyy, but she was no where in siiight. so then we went upstairs and watched dazed and confused. best movie ever. mitch likes to grab his area between the eyes alllottt, so we basically did that all day. then we went to chill with guerric, shane, tony, and nick in the neighborhood. it was a goooooood time, man. "look shes in her most comfortable position, her knees." ahhh. so then we went to shanes porch and sat and chatted for everrrrrrrr. we got papa ginos and basically talked about random shit. POPSICLE ANYONE?! aight well im tired and wanna go to bed. peace in the middle east.

6/28/06 02:56 pm - summer.

it is officially summer. im not gonna lie, i was scared for it to start. if you were part of the group last year, you might know what im talking about. last summer was unbelievable. everyone was always there for eachother, we had more fun than anyone could ever have, and then it just ended. there was no real legit reason why the group "split". it was so many things that played into it, break ups, new people, changes, the summer ending. it was a sad time, but none of us would be the people we are today if it wasnt for that summer. it also showed me who my true friends are. i love them so much, theyre incredible. sure, sometimes were mean, loud, and just obnoixious, but we have the one thing that a group of friends needs, love. we are ALWAYS there for eachother no matter what. it may seem like every one says that, "omg i luv u im always here"..but my friends mean it. we dont care about stupid shit like getting drunk, we dont need anything else but ourselves to have the best times. i can truly be myself around them, and that kinda takes alot.

so yesterday made me feel like it was truly summer. basically everyone and their mother showed up at my house randomly, and it made me happy. we walked down to the beach and just acted goofy, but i am going to kill nick as of now because he likes to splash perfectly dry people. we all went to my house and swam, and it made me feel so happy that summer was here. i was really worried for a while that the summer would just...eek by, but now i think itll be juuuust fine.

6/5/06 02:27 pm - failing, flailing

its weird that the school year is pretty much dunzo. this year basically sucked school wise, but watever ill just bust my ass next year. i figured out who my true friends are. i still feel horrible i left them pretty much for like a year, but it pretty much made me realize i cant live without them. theyre always there for me, and theyre always there to make sure im not being completly retarted. i love them. so so so so so so soooo much. LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND! hahaaaa. im kind of nervous for this summer, but im so excited at the same time. it feels like everything will be compared to last summer, which was incredible. we were all one big family; no fights, no drama, just love and my pool:]. but this year, im kind of scared that people will drift like they already have, and we'll barely see them this summer. i still cant waitttttt.

is it weird that i fucking love ashlee simpson?!?!

4/30/06 09:18 pm

today was auds birthday. it was so much fun. boston with auds and sarah is always a good timeee. i got to see steph who i missed dearly as well. good times yo. i got make up and a new book called "doing it". its incredible.

im starting to think im done with weed. i have alot left from what i bought a few days ago, but i have absolutly no desire to smoke it. i guess im over that whole scene. back in the day it was all i thought about, i hated being sober. then it decreased, and now, being sober is what i prefer. anyone has a problem with that can choke and die. :] im proud of myself for getting over it, and i know my real friends will be too. idk if im done for good, but im sure as hell gonna try.

I HATE SOME PEOPLEEEEE LATLEY. they aggrivate me. i wont even get into it.

4/15/06 11:34 am - i love my friends.

yesterday was mucho fun. i went to newport with auds. i was happy we got to hang out because shes so busy now a days, so it was good to have the day with her. we went shopping and out to eat. i didnt buy anything, nothing was really catching my eye. then we met up with kenny and sarah back in scituate. it was a fun time. kenny almost threw up from laughing. we were on crack basically.

drama= annoying. it doesnt even involve me and im still pissed by the situation. im completely on one side of the whole thing. she was only keeping a promise, and i admire her for that. i know its hard for the other person, but to put all the blame on one person is flat out wrong and childish. im not saying get over it, im saying grow up. this is all pointless, and if you keep dragging it on, your gonna lose friends, more than you already have.

4/7/06 10:30 pm

i just watched walk the line. best movie ever.

but it made me realize...
everyones loves/likes someone, except for me. i cant find anyone these days. all the boys i know or meet are just...not enough or dont want/need me. does this mean im going to be alone forever? it doesnt seem fair. all i want is someone to love. thats all, no questions asked. i dont care if that sounds cheesy as hell...its the truth.

4/7/06 06:39 pm - staying home alone on a friday

thank GOD this week is over. it wasnt enjoyable. i miss my friends in florida so much. im so sad there gone til MONDAYYY:[ and i cant even see them til tuesday :[ :'[. i just want them to come back nowww. im so afraid that there gonna come back all bonded and junk and be like peaceee rachel. o gaaaawd, it may seem like im overreacting, but thats just how my mind worksssss. not crazy, but not sane, yanno? the only enjoyable parts of the week have been things involving kenny. i went to his house for cake and ice cream with his family and cassandra. hes sad because his mom is away for work, i felt so bad!!so i did my best to cheer him up cause seeing my kenny down in the dumps isnt cool.last night night was very fun, but now i owe cassandra moneyyy.its only fair. im starting to work within a few weeks!!! im so excited to actually have money that i earn instead of bumming it off my mom and friends. i DONT like it, it kills me honestly, and wen people bring it up it doesnt make me feel too great. being in debt to someone sucks balllllls. well tonight i have a date with my couch and "walk the line". i only got to see like 30 minutes of it in thearters because everyone i was with wanted to peace. this weeekend should be good. im spending it with ms.molly lou and kenny, so it should b a good time:]

4/1/06 06:48 pm - outrageoussssss

i did nothing today, but thats okay. i had alot of homework to do so it was nice to get it out of the way before tommorow. i did some 5 paragraph essay and then 485095468 flashcards for english. i realllly should start my 8 page history paper thats due hmmm..tuesday? i need to stop procrastinatinggggg. i watched saw 2 2day. it wasnt the first time ive seen it, so it wasnt as interesting as i remembered. movies arent always the best the 5th time aroundddd.

i got a call from stop and shop today. i have a job interview this tuesday at 3. im really exctied to have a job. i never have money so itll be a nice change to not mooch money off people. and working with kenny and diana is a little added bonus.:]!

i dont think i could be more excited for tommorowwww. me diana and lindsay are meeting cassandra and kenny(?) at the T and chillin in boston til big d. the shows going to be amazingggggg. big d, mustard plug, catch 22, the flatliners...YEYEEEEEE!!! i cannot waittttttttt. the halloween show was amazingggg, so this one will not dissapoint.:]

o..and judgemental people suck. random but it needed to be said.

3/29/06 03:14 pm - save your breath..no one caresss

ughh okayy. im so annoyed with some people lately. JUST SHUT UP! no one cares how much you like a band/person/place/WHATEVERRR or how "scene" or "ska" you are..GIVE IT UPPPPPP! you make yourself look like a fucking dumbass in the process, and it doesn't make you "cooler". and NO ONE IS COPYING YOU! ur just a concieted shit who thinks they know everything about everything and rule the latest "trends" or started them. get the fuck over yourself. im so fed up with it its not even funny just look in the mirror...YOUR A CLONE OF EVERY OTHER EMO KID IN THE SCHOOL! so ur whole idea of being a individual is kinda shitted on. and i love how alllll ur friends now are people u made fun of and HATED a few months ago. way to goooo. so um the point of this rant is= dont try to be something your not. and if what you are is what other people are too, dont make it seem like they copy you..u dont sound cool at all..you just come off as just concieted and fucking annoying.

3/22/06 10:50 am - done.

im so sick of thinking about old times. im completly over it. im pretty much ready to move on and stop thinking about people who wont even give me the time of day anymore. all i can do is walk away now and forget them. if they wanted to be friends again, they would have came to me by now. i hate the fact everything is so messed up now, but thats life. it sucks, but i deal.

seeing people last night made this all make sense in my head. it took me way too long to realize how dumb i was to think one day things would go back to normal. im done being a optimist and getting my hopes up. we have good memories, but thats all it is: a memory.

i have the best friends in the world. i dont need anyone else but them.

3/16/06 06:57 pm - its a metaphor,fool

today was quiiite enjoyable. im really surprised this week has been going as well as it has. i had a feeling it wouldnt be good, i dont know why, but yee its been quiiite swell. school was good. hilfiger wasnt here and i had her for long block, so i was a happy child. me kenny and nycole discussed 90s nickelodeon shows and good times.then D block me and amanda went to the bathroom and smoked. it was a good time. i was glad because i feel like i dont get to hang out with her that much anymore. sooo we went down to the lunch room and ate fries and pizzaaaaa and discussed very random shit, of courseee. then we went back to beattys room, where i proceeded to embarrass myself as usual. beatty was going off about how girls only get sclolarships in 5 sports or something, and i FO SHOOO heard someone say bingo. so because im the demure quiet girl i am, i scream out "BINGO!??!?" and every1 just looked. i dont even knowwwww mannn. so then the day went on and ended. i stayed after to take ANOTHERRR test in health with sarah. then i met up with kenny and molly. we went to the top of the hill to kick a butt with matt o neil. a little after that we went to sarahs house and ate yummy mac and cheeeese and teaaaa. me and kenny were listening to lil kim and making noises. everyone kinda got mad at us, but who gives a faaaaack. so then i went homeee and found that my new sweatshirt has arrivedddd :]. it is lovelyyyyy

yeyeee. i hope the week ends on a good note.

3/15/06 06:59 pm - cause i speak of the pompatus of lovee

i hate being absent, but at the same time i looooooooove it. ya seeeee, i hate making up tests, which has consumed my life for the past 3 dayssss. so im gonna see if i can go 3 weeks without being absent :0! i dont think i can do it butttt i can try.

school was eh today. nothing special took place. long block health was interesting. me and caitlin came to the conclusion that the health sub looks like a english bull dog.werd. i had to stay after to take a bio test(of courseee), but i chilled with auds and melis before. im reallllyyy glad me and melis are good friends again, i missed her alot. sooo i went and took mah test while the two athletic shits went running. i was done and wandered for a bit, then sat down and waited for mah momma. i called kenny and chatted while i was all by my lonesome, but then caitlin,shea,melissa,and auds all came, so i wasnt a loner fuck for too long. then my mom picked me up, came home, and watched tv/musakkk. i love the song admit it by say anything. its so original and sweeeeeet. i suggest you download it, friend.

3/13/06 06:01 pm - make us it make us hip make us scene

today was quite a productive day. school was aiiight for a monday. we had this drug and alcohol assembly. the dood who was running it was quite funny, and didnt make it seem like were wrong if we do drugs or drink, which i like. spanish long block= not a good time. we had to do group work and i was being awkward as usual. it wasnt too good. then i stayed after to take a test in mrs.hilfigers. that woman hates me, so i got out of there as quick as i could. then i met up with kenny and lindsay. we chilled in the art room with nick,tess,annie,matt, and othaaaaz. we took creeeepy videos and funny pictures. good times. then i went job searching with my mothaaa. i went to dunkies and cvs. i need a job desperatly because i=broke. then i came home and bought a new sweatshirt.

possibly the most important purchase of the day was my big d ticket. i am a happy little child right now :]!!!!!!!! im so excited to see them againnnnn. april 2nd is wayyy to far away.

3/12/06 05:45 pm

this weekend was actually better than expected. i had a ccd retreat. it was from 830 AM to 11 PM. obviously i went into it thinking i would end up killing myself in the bathroom after hour 5. i got there and it wasnt too bad. kenny,diana,lindsay,tony,shane,jess,melis, and many others were there so i was like shweeeeet yo. then we played some getting to know eachother games, crap like that. then we listened to some speechs. one of the ladies speechs was really moving. then we did these skit things. me and kennys group won. i was a kid throwing a party while my parents bounced outta town. a vase was broken and i have to get money from people. we owned. it was a good time. then kenny won a dance off by stripping. who says church related activities cant involved a little sex? thennnnn we had food. we did soo much more stuff. me and kenny were being our obnoxious selfs as usual and couldnt stop laughing at educated horses. this went to memoiors of a geshia, to many other insiderssss. we laughedddd and then people were like wtfff and we were like whatev.

then we went to the church. the preist told us a story about what he did today. he went to the childrens hospital to visit a dying 5 year old boy with cancer. he had no hair and his parents were in the room, crying. but then the preist said the most moving thing: the little boy was smiling, he had no idea what was going on. i started crying at the thought of it. then he said that the boy knew he was off to a better place. makes me think about the afterlife and stuff like that, pa-reeetyyy freakayy. then one of our retreat runners played the song "arms of the angels" by sarah mcglauflin. i lostttt it. the song just took on a new meaning to me, it was wayy embarrising tho cause i hateeeeee crying in front of people. i wasnt the only one, but stilllllll. then we went to the main chapel. we got surprise letters from our parents. it was sooooo touchingggg. EVERYYYY1 started to cry reading them, even the dooooooods. me and melissa hugged and cried together, then we went with diana. at the end, we got another speech, and it was actually a good time! i really liked it.

im not religious at allllll, but that almost makes me want to go to church on sundays now. coming from a girl who hasnt stepped foot in a church in about 4 years, its pretty extremeeee. im not this like "PRAISEEE JESUSSSS" person at all or anything, but i have more of a understanding of religion, and i like it :].

today was my nephews christing. it was kindaaa a bore, but i got to see family i dont see very much, so it was okayyy i suppose. i have MAADDD cramps right now, so im off to take some motrin and tea. BITCH.

3/9/06 06:12 pm - soooo

im pretty much convinced my dad loves the baby more than me
dont get me wrong i love ryan to deathhhhh
love love loveee him
but i cant help it that my dad barely gives me the time of day as long as hes around

3/9/06 02:56 pm - so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick

home sick AGAINNNN. ew i just want to get better. and this weekend is going to suck ballssssss. i have to go to this stupid church retreat from 8 AM to 11 PM....kill me?!?!? ill be with diana,kenny,lindsay,and others so itll be okay..but it sucks, i hate church. i dont even go so why do i need to waste a perfectly good saturday on it? and on sunday is my nephews christianing. a day full of family ANNND church..my 2 favzz. well im going back to school tommorowwww. im not looking forward to it, but i do miss my peeps, so yeyee to that. i think im sleeping over auds house tommorow with everyoneee, so im preettttyy pumpeddd.

this bug needs to go awayyyyy. it sucks. all ive been doing is resting, and im still exhausted. i dont have mono so im pretty excited, but ive been feeling naseaus for the past 3 days. not a good time. i havent eaten anything, and im not even hungry. not a good signnnnnn.

3/8/06 08:10 pm - love and memories

i stayed home sick today. i didnt feel well at all. ive been kinda stressed out lately too so i needed a day away from school. now, i sit down to the first thing ive had to eat all day, elios pizza. not the best choice in the world since i have a upset stomach, but whatevahhh. idk why i decided to start this thing, boredom i guess. myspace is getting routine, so i decided to start something new to entertain me. well i did pretty much today. woke up, went back to sleep, computer, slept some more, got a coffee, slept, and then pretty much what im doing now.
lately ive been missing people that i havent talked to in a while. its funny how someone you used to call your best friend is now someone who you never talk to at all anymore. it all happened really fast, i still dont know why. eventually ill talk to them again, hopefully sometime soon. even though i havent talked to them in a while, i still care for them and consider them my friends. dont know if thats a good thing or not.

big d is coming up
im very excited:]
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